I eat you now.
29.5.12
Before the morning sun.
This song kinda reminds me of my dad. Indirectly… (: But it doesn’t make me sad though…
Sitting awake before the morning sun
Only ‘cause I couldn’t fall asleep while the night was young
I’m restless, can’t call myself stressless
These past weeks have left me breathless and senseless
My brother from another mother lost a brother
My father lost his father, I lost a friend, something that I couldn’t comprehend
We’ll never see these men again
Once upon a time life was so innocent
We’re past the past
The now is now
The future will be here in a minute
But I don’t care what’s going down
Anyhow, I miss the time with the many smiles
When we could always stretch it for a little while
Now you’re gone and it feels like I’m alone
Oh goddammit, how I miss you so
Sometimes it will feel time can stop
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But then I hear a voice inside of me
Saying: “Better die with your chin up, than living on your knees”
Daydreaming is OK sometimes
But to face the facts really hurts
And when you finally feel the weight of your burden
Get up again if you kiss the dirt
I’d rather live one day as a lion
Than live a hundred years as a sheep
I’d rather reign in Hell than serve in Heaven
Live my dream out in reality and not in my sleep
The past is gone
The now is now
The future will be here in a minute
But I don’t care what’s going down, what’s going down
People tell me: “Pick yourself up off the road”
Can’t I just stay and get squashed like a little toad?
They’ll say you have a burden to carry
Somewhere along the line there’s a girl to marry
But don’t worry, I’ll get up
I won’t give it up even if it won’t stop
Hurting in my heart now that we’re apart
My chronic pain is about to start, will it be hard?
I’d rather live one day as a lion
Than live a hundred years as a sheep
I’d rather reign in Hell, than serve in Heaven
Live my dream out in reality and not in my sleep
The past is gone
The now is now
The future will be here in a minute
But I don’t care what’s going down
‘Cause we’re past the past
The now is now
The future will be here in a minute
But I don’t care what’s going down
Anyhow…
28.5.12
Prayers for Bobby.
I just watched this movie called Prayers for Bobby.
It's about this boy who comes from a christian family. He finds out that he's gay, and when he tells his mom, she can't accept it. She prays for him, she sends him to church groups, she gets a shrink for him, she tries to make God heal him. He moves to Portland where he meets David. When he tells his mom about David, she won't listen to him so he makes her choose. Either she accepts him for who he is, or she can forget it. He ends up committing suicide. And then his mom finds out that he was actually a good kid and that there is nothing wrong with him.
It's about this boy who comes from a christian family. He finds out that he's gay, and when he tells his mom, she can't accept it. She prays for him, she sends him to church groups, she gets a shrink for him, she tries to make God heal him. He moves to Portland where he meets David. When he tells his mom about David, she won't listen to him so he makes her choose. Either she accepts him for who he is, or she can forget it. He ends up committing suicide. And then his mom finds out that he was actually a good kid and that there is nothing wrong with him.
You can see the whole movie on YouTube.
23.5.12
22.5.12
21.5.12
Need it.
I just need my free space I made this blog for to start with. So I made a Tumblr, anonymously. I won't be writing any deep thought here any longer. (;
16.5.12
Hug me.
13.5.12
Get it out.
Okay. So right now I have all of these feelings and thoughts that I can't tell to the people they're about. They'll probably read this anyway though. They did last time i wrote about this kind of stuff. But this time I'll be a little more specific.
So.... I've been thinking a lot lately, nothing new for me. I've done some stupid stuff, as you could see in one of my latest posts. After I did this I did a lot of thinking... and talking with my closest friends. Okay... No more chit chatting. Here it is...
A couple of days before the date last friday, I talked on the phone with her, for almost two hours, and it was awesome. We laughed and teased each other. Having fun and were exited about the date where we would actually meet and talk face to face. Suddenly when I lie in the bed at laughed at something she said, my mind suddenly flew over memories of doing that exact thing with my "ex"... Ex-flirt, or what you call it, when you feel like you were together but it just never had the label 'girlfriends'. I thought of how I used to call her almost every night, and talked for several hours. It makes me dizzy when I think too much of it. I think it's because I miss her. I never had a closure. I broke it off, and sometimes I just want to hit myself in the head for doing so. I think about her everyday. I try to tell myself that we're over, and that I have to forget about her. I want to call her phone or write a message to her. But I know that if I do so, I'll just miss her even more and that'll just make it harder for me. I broke it off a little more than a month ago, I think. I haven't allowed my self to really tell myself, or anyone else, how I really fell/feel about her. But I can't loose anything by writing it here. Just that I hope she won't confront me later when she reads this.
When we flirted, I underestimated my feeling. A lot. I convinced my self that I wasn't directly in love, with her. That I just really liked her, and had some feelings that I wasn't sure what was. I think I did that to defend myself so I wouldn't get hurt if she didn't feel the same way. I had so many things that I didn't have the guts to say to her when I had the chance. Like...
How she was the most beautiful girl. How she turned my world upside down. How jealous I got when she wrote or told me about her crush in her class. How I always, and I do mean always thought about her. How I hated it when she didn't write me for a whole day. How I wanted to use all my money to visit her. How much I loved the way she listened to me and understood me if I were sad or angry, even though she might not agree with me, she would put her own thought aside and just listen and try to understand me. How I looked up to her. How I wanted to be a part of her life, and how proud I was to call her my flirt. How she could make me smile and laugh after the worst day ever. How I could relax and forget about the bad stuff in my life and just feel how she was there for me.
When I think about it to day, I find it so hard to believe that she was ever in my life. When I think about her today, I can't help thinking if she might think of me sometimes, or if she's over it and forgets about it. Part of me hopes it the first, and another part of me hopes it's the last.
I think about how she would react if I suddenly stood in front of her house. How I would feel if I saw her. I can't believe it when I realize that we actually "were together" for two-three months. That's the longest for me. Ever.
I think what's confusing me a lot too, is that she meant so fucking much to me, and yet I never had the chance to call her my girlfriend. We acted like a couple. Our friends knew about us, and we didn't keep it a secret in any way. We didn't just flirt. 'Cause I define flirt as when you write and talk for hours and give each other compliments, maybe go on dates, spend time together, get embarrassed when you talk about how you like each other. Yes, we did do all of those things. But I think we did more than that. We knew that we had feelings for each others. We had unwritten 'rules' about not seeing anyone else. We were more serious about each other. We talked about our difficulties. We called each other when we had prolems. Flirts don't do that if it's only a flirt.
I find it fucking difficult to figure out what I can say to her now. We never talk anymore, and often I just want the things the way they were before. I want jump on a train and go to her house and tell her how I feel. But this is where I get scared. What if she opens the door, and a cute girl, or even worse, the hottest boy stands beside her. Or what if she gets mad ad me and don't want to see me. Or... The worst thing possible and still the thing I would hope for, if she would run into my arms and kiss me. If she would be so happy to see me, and she would just hug me and kiss me. I would be in heaven, but it would make this even worse.
Damn this was harder for me to write, than I thought it'd be. I want to call her more than ever right now. And read this post for her. And then just hang up. Give her time to think... But I don't want to push her into something she don't want.
Later I'll probably write about some of my other thought which makes all of this even more confusing.
I think about how she would react if I suddenly stood in front of her house. How I would feel if I saw her. I can't believe it when I realize that we actually "were together" for two-three months. That's the longest for me. Ever.
I think what's confusing me a lot too, is that she meant so fucking much to me, and yet I never had the chance to call her my girlfriend. We acted like a couple. Our friends knew about us, and we didn't keep it a secret in any way. We didn't just flirt. 'Cause I define flirt as when you write and talk for hours and give each other compliments, maybe go on dates, spend time together, get embarrassed when you talk about how you like each other. Yes, we did do all of those things. But I think we did more than that. We knew that we had feelings for each others. We had unwritten 'rules' about not seeing anyone else. We were more serious about each other. We talked about our difficulties. We called each other when we had prolems. Flirts don't do that if it's only a flirt.
I find it fucking difficult to figure out what I can say to her now. We never talk anymore, and often I just want the things the way they were before. I want jump on a train and go to her house and tell her how I feel. But this is where I get scared. What if she opens the door, and a cute girl, or even worse, the hottest boy stands beside her. Or what if she gets mad ad me and don't want to see me. Or... The worst thing possible and still the thing I would hope for, if she would run into my arms and kiss me. If she would be so happy to see me, and she would just hug me and kiss me. I would be in heaven, but it would make this even worse.
Damn this was harder for me to write, than I thought it'd be. I want to call her more than ever right now. And read this post for her. And then just hang up. Give her time to think... But I don't want to push her into something she don't want.
Later I'll probably write about some of my other thought which makes all of this even more confusing.
9.5.12
Finally!
Endelig fatter min lærer at jeg har brug for en psykolog! Det har jeg heller ikke haft brug for i over halvt år nu, nej nej... nu håber jeg så bare at hun kan skaffe en...
6.5.12
Fucked up, big time.
Okay... Dette indlæg bliver sikkert depressivt, vredt og fyldt med bandeord. Men det skal ud... Selvom jeg stadig ikke ved om jeg vil publicere det.
Så.... Jeg var på date i fredags. Skide hyggeligt, og hun var helt ufatteligt sød og rar. Vi kom godt ud af det sammen og alt det shit der. Så hvad gør Rachel? Jamen hun tager da til gratis koncert dagen efter, og gæt hvem hun mødes med der? Sin eks... Og hvem ender hun med at kysse med? Sin eks...
Jeg ved virkelig ikke hvad jeg havde gang i. Giver alle de forkerte signaler, for jeg ved jo det ikke går. Vi skriver så om det senere den aften/nat, og jeg fortæller at det var forkert af mig det der var sket den dag, og at jeg var virkelig ked af det.
Jeg ved virkelig ikke hvad jeg havde gang i. Giver alle de forkerte signaler, for jeg ved jo det ikke går. Vi skriver så om det senere den aften/nat, og jeg fortæller at det var forkert af mig det der var sket den dag, og at jeg var virkelig ked af det.
Jeg tager så i byen den aften/nat sammen med to veninder, og ender med at skrive til min anden eks om hun sover. Jeg ender med at gå hjem til hende, og sove hos hende. Vi har rendt lidt rundt og kysset på hinanden siden påsken, og gjorde det selvfølgelig ogs igår... Tror først vi faldt i søvn klokken fire-halv fem. Jeg ved ikke hvad det er med hende. Hun får mig bare til at slappe af på en helt særlig måde. Jeg elsker at være sammen med hende. Men jeg ved ikke om jeg kunne forestille mig noget seriøst med hende igen. Vi har det fucking godt sammen sådan som det kører lige nu, og jeg har det seriøst godt med det. Vi hygger os og vi ved hvor vi står i forhold til hinanden. Vi kan snakke om alt, virkelig. Vi snakker åbent om dengang vi kom sammen, om både de gode og de dårlige ting.
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