Get it out.

Okay. So right now I have all of these feelings and thoughts that I can't tell to the people they're about. They'll probably read this anyway though. They did last time i wrote about this kind of stuff. But this time I'll be a little more specific. 

So.... I've been thinking a lot lately, nothing new for me. I've done some stupid stuff, as you could see in one of my latest posts. After I did this I did a lot of thinking... and talking with my closest friends. Okay... No more chit chatting. Here it is...

A couple of days before the date last friday, I talked on the phone with her, for almost two hours, and it was awesome. We laughed and teased each other. Having fun and were exited about the date where we would actually meet and talk face to face. Suddenly when I lie in the bed at laughed at something she said, my mind suddenly flew over memories of doing that exact thing with my "ex"... Ex-flirt, or what you call it, when you feel like you were together but it just never had the label 'girlfriends'. I thought of how I used to call her almost every night, and talked for several hours. It makes me dizzy when I think too much of it. I think it's because I miss her. I never had a closure. I broke it off, and sometimes I just want to hit myself in the head for doing so. I think about her everyday. I try to tell myself that we're over, and that I have to forget about her. I want to call her phone or write a message to her. But I know that if I do so, I'll just miss her even more and that'll just make it harder for me. I broke it off a little more than a month ago, I think. I haven't allowed my self to really tell myself, or anyone else, how I really fell/feel about her. But I can't loose anything by writing it here. Just that I hope she won't confront me later when she reads this. 

When we flirted, I underestimated my feeling. A lot. I convinced my self that I wasn't directly in love, with her. That I just really liked her, and had some feelings that I wasn't sure what was. I think I did that to defend myself so I wouldn't get hurt if she didn't feel the same way. I had so many things that I didn't have the guts to say to her when I had the chance. Like... 

How she was the most beautiful girl. How she turned my world upside down. How jealous I got when she wrote or told me about her crush in her class. How I always, and I do mean always thought about her. How I hated it when she didn't write me for a whole day. How I wanted to use all my money to visit her. How much I loved the way she listened to me and understood me if I were sad or angry, even though she might not agree with me, she would put her own thought aside and just listen and try to understand me. How I looked up to her. How I wanted to be a part of her life, and how proud I was to call her my flirt. How she could make me smile and laugh after the worst day ever. How I could relax and forget about the bad stuff in my life and just feel how she was there for me.

When I think about it to day, I find it so hard to believe that she was ever in my life. When I think about her today, I can't help thinking if she might think of me sometimes, or if she's over it and forgets about it. Part of me hopes it the first, and another part of me hopes it's the last.
I think about how she would react if I suddenly stood in front of her house. How I would feel if I saw her. I can't believe it when I realize that we actually "were together" for two-three months. That's the longest for me. Ever.
I think what's confusing me a lot too, is that she meant so fucking much to me, and yet I never had the chance to call her my girlfriend. We acted like a couple. Our friends knew about us, and we didn't keep it a secret in any way. We didn't just flirt. 'Cause I define flirt as when you write and talk for hours and give each other compliments, maybe go on dates, spend time together, get embarrassed when you talk about how you like each other. Yes, we did do all of those things. But I think we did more than that. We knew that we had feelings for each others. We had unwritten 'rules' about not seeing anyone else. We were more serious about each other. We talked about our difficulties. We called each other when we had prolems. Flirts don't do that if it's only a flirt.
I find it fucking difficult to figure out what I can say to her now. We never talk anymore, and often I just want the things the way they were before. I want jump on a train and go to her house and tell her how I feel. But this is where I get scared. What if she opens the door, and a cute girl, or even worse, the hottest boy stands beside her. Or what if she gets mad ad me and don't want to see me. Or... The worst thing possible and still the thing I would hope for, if she would run into my arms and kiss me. If she would be so happy to see me, and she would just hug me and kiss me. I would be in heaven, but it would make this even worse.

Damn this was harder for me to write, than I thought it'd be. I want to call her more than ever right now. And read this post for her. And then just hang up. Give her time to think... But I don't want to push her into something she don't want.


Later I'll probably write about some of my other thought which makes all of this even more confusing.