Love.

I guess today I just feel like writing in english.. Don't know why!

This weekend she visited me. And I was just so happy all the time!

I was relaxed in a way I only am when I'm in love.

Still, this is kind of a new feeling. I mean... I don't feel completely comitted to her, whitch i used to do as soon as I fell in love. Not to misunderstand me. I think I'm in love. Just in another way than what I've tried before. I don't feel comitted, but i can't picture myself with any other girl. I could really see myself with her, and yet I feel so insecure. Not really much of her, but of me. Can I really handle all of this again? Plus with the distance. I admit it, I am a little nervous about her 'background', though I really trust her. But of course I think about it. I used to be so scared to be hurted by girls with that exact background. But.. I'm not really scared. Actually, I'm not scared at all. I guess that what I'm really scared of, is if I mess it up. If I do something crazy just because I'm scared that I don't have the guts to love again. Oh my dear... When I say it like that, it sounds so formal and comitted, and whatever. I don't mean it like that. What I mean is... I've been through a lot of crazy shit in my life, and everytime I feel something for a girl, I turn into af softie so to say. And... That has been quite a big problem for me. To be too sentimental, and people got sick of it. So this time I decided to really do something about it. And I fight so hard to not be too sentimental and not too coldhearted. I find it so diffcult to find the right words, and not just always tell her how incredibly beautiful she is. Or how I think of her the whole goddamn time. But here I am. The only place I can really open up. Where I know she reads it, but don't give a flying fuck. Because... I guess I actually want her to know these things, but don't have the guts to tell her myself. I actually told her, today, that I really liked her. Face to face. And I used two days of forcing myself, to say it to her. I wanted to say so much more than I did, but I couldn't.. It takes time to learn how to deal with that kind of difficulties. But I know that I will learn it some day. The people around me just have to be patient and help me.

I've done quite a lot of thinking today, efter she left. My mood was, and still is, so mixed up! Because when I think of how the weekend went, I can't stop smiling. But when I look to my side and she's not there, I sigh. I guess I am a softie. I guess I have so much to say, but I'm too scared of saying them out loud or even worse, writing them down for her to see. Because nobody really knows how terrifyed I am of being pushed away because of my sentimentality. I have the ability to write a novelle of "loveconfessions", but I've stopped doing that. And the worst part of this is, that I don't know if I'll ever have the guts to do it again. But I long for it! And this is the only place that I feel free to do it. But even here, I can't do it directly to the person.